It was great to hear your script again last night especially in the context of hearing all the other scripts as well. It's extremely funny and I think you've created a hysterical character in Dirk.
But while it is super funny, I don't think it quite matches the tone of the rest of the episodes. I think its about straddling that line between sitcom characters and real people, you know what I mean? Like, Dirk's lines are roll on the floor funny, but would a real person say them in a conversation? Maybe just tone it down a little, let him be more naturally funny. Things like him showing off his hand muscles and the goose story are great and they work because of his arrogance. But I think he uses just one too many metaphors, kind of like we talked about with Furete Fuel and the STDs. It might give him more comedic punch to use them less so when he does, it's like, who does this guy think he is?
Walter and Amanda also seem a bit out of character. I think while Walter respects Dirk, I don't know if he'd call him Sir all the time. Walter feels like a stronger person than to completely let Dirk walk all over him like that. He idolizes him, definitely, and you show that through your actions very well, but I feel like Walter just doesn't want to stand up to him maybe? Doesn't want to ruin the relationship with his idol and lets him have the power? Doesn't want to face reality, especially since he's had to face so much of it lately?
Amanda, I also feel might be skeptical of Dirk instead of into him, what do you think? I almost kind of imagine her being annoyed with his antics and placating him. Maybe if you have this contrast, more of Dirk's punchy dialogue will work, because he has to try so hard to impress her. And maybe too that's an extra element of conflict, that Amanda doesn't like Dirk and Walter is pissed because she's constantly telling Walter what a douche Dirk is. And Walter gets angry because deep down he knows it's true.
Jillian is great though, I actually think she works well as is, probably because we all know people like her. Plus we never expect her to be the one with a job offer. And the general arc of the story works great too. I hope I'm not being too critical because I think you've written a very good script with snappy, funny dialogue. But when it gets all put together in the series, it doesn't quite fit yet. Keep it grounded in reality and make it funny not just because of what they are saying, but because of who the characters are, their attitudes and the situations they get themselves into.
You've got a lot of room to play with in your story so I know you guys will produce a hysterical next draft. I'm just thinking aloud but I hope some of this helps or gets some ideas going. Best of luck!
the character's attitudes are clear and great. I think your script does that well. Dirk is a bit like Dr. Heath in Georges that maybe he just needs to be turned down a bit or let his attitude give something more than just funny one liners. Its hard to say much more cause its a great script. I had a similar challenge with Tillie. It would have been easy to go over the top with her.
Hey Guys! I've always liked how much fun you've had with this episode. Great characters in Dirk and Jillian as well as knowing their voice and great lines. With that said...sorry, just understand where I'm coming from in my notes is just because I see a different tone in the show. Therefore, you can take or leave em. later, David
Amanda seems like a bimbo or is she just acting like that in response to Dirk's attitude?
I think her slapping Dirk's arm is enough she doesn't need to say "don't say that".
Amanda is good to point out the childishness of the what Walter wants to do, ice cream and all but she should be more of a smart ass about it. show her attitude more as Bob would say.
Not sure what this means. In the cockpit? AMANDA Why are you so desperate to spend time with Dirk? You guys spend solitary at Krome together?
Walter corrects Dirk calling him Walgreens yet he just said he didn't care what he called him. So it really does bug him? cool.
the fat girl comment. It might be something Dirk would say not Amanda. Its good she's poking fun at Walter cause that's her and what she does.
like the STD by Walter...makes it seem like Amanda is rubbing off on him.
I'm just curious that Amanda would sleep with Dirk for a job? Its not really in her character. She would flirt like hell. so anyway disregard if that's not what happened. and of coarse this is just my opinion.
Great organic premise about the other flight attendant.
Funny stuff with Jillian on the phone with Walter but maybe scale it back a bit so she doesn't sound too much like a skit character.
The ending kind of fizzles out. I thought the other one was better. I'm assuming you changed it because of other feedback.
It was great to hear your script again last night especially in the context of hearing all the other scripts as well. It's extremely funny and I think you've created a hysterical character in Dirk.
ReplyDeleteBut while it is super funny, I don't think it quite matches the tone of the rest of the episodes. I think its about straddling that line between sitcom characters and real people, you know what I mean? Like, Dirk's lines are roll on the floor funny, but would a real person say them in a conversation? Maybe just tone it down a little, let him be more naturally funny. Things like him showing off his hand muscles and the goose story are great and they work because of his arrogance. But I think he uses just one too many metaphors, kind of like we talked about with Furete Fuel and the STDs. It might give him more comedic punch to use them less so when he does, it's like, who does this guy think he is?
Walter and Amanda also seem a bit out of character. I think while Walter respects Dirk, I don't know if he'd call him Sir all the time. Walter feels like a stronger person than to completely let Dirk walk all over him like that. He idolizes him, definitely, and you show that through your actions very well, but I feel like Walter just doesn't want to stand up to him maybe? Doesn't want to ruin the relationship with his idol and lets him have the power? Doesn't want to face reality, especially since he's had to face so much of it lately?
Amanda, I also feel might be skeptical of Dirk instead of into him, what do you think? I almost kind of imagine her being annoyed with his antics and placating him. Maybe if you have this contrast, more of Dirk's punchy dialogue will work, because he has to try so hard to impress her. And maybe too that's an extra element of conflict, that Amanda doesn't like Dirk and Walter is pissed because she's constantly telling Walter what a douche Dirk is. And Walter gets angry because deep down he knows it's true.
Jillian is great though, I actually think she works well as is, probably because we all know people like her. Plus we never expect her to be the one with a job offer. And the general arc of the story works great too. I hope I'm not being too critical because I think you've written a very good script with snappy, funny dialogue. But when it gets all put together in the series, it doesn't quite fit yet. Keep it grounded in reality and make it funny not just because of what they are saying, but because of who the characters are, their attitudes and the situations they get themselves into.
You've got a lot of room to play with in your story so I know you guys will produce a hysterical next draft. I'm just thinking aloud but I hope some of this helps or gets some ideas going. Best of luck!
the character's attitudes are clear and great. I think your script does that well. Dirk is a bit like Dr. Heath in Georges that maybe he just needs to be turned down a bit or let his attitude give something more than just funny one liners. Its hard to say much more cause its a great script. I had a similar challenge with Tillie. It would have been easy to go over the top with her.
ReplyDeleteHey Guys! I've always liked how much fun you've had with this episode. Great characters in Dirk and Jillian as well as knowing their voice and great lines. With that said...sorry, just understand where I'm coming from in my notes is just because I see a different tone in the show. Therefore, you can take or leave em.
ReplyDeletelater, David
Amanda seems like a bimbo or is she just acting like that in response to Dirk's attitude?
I think her slapping Dirk's arm is enough she doesn't need to say "don't say that".
Amanda is good to point out the childishness of the what Walter wants to do, ice cream and all but she should be more of a smart ass about it. show her attitude more as Bob would say.
Not sure what this means. In the cockpit?
AMANDA
Why are you so desperate to spend
time with Dirk? You guys spend
solitary at Krome together?
Walter corrects Dirk calling him Walgreens yet he just said he didn't care what he called him. So it really does bug him? cool.
the fat girl comment. It might be something Dirk would say not Amanda. Its good she's poking fun at Walter cause that's her and what she does.
like the STD by Walter...makes it seem like Amanda is rubbing off on him.
I'm just curious that Amanda would sleep with Dirk for a job? Its not really in her character. She would flirt like hell. so anyway disregard if that's not what happened. and of coarse this is just my opinion.
Great organic premise about the other flight attendant.
Funny stuff with Jillian on the phone with Walter but maybe scale it back a bit so she doesn't sound too much like a skit character.
The ending kind of fizzles out. I thought the other one was better. I'm assuming you changed it because of other feedback.